My youngest daughter has deep brown eyes that are framed by long, beautiful lashes. This was certainly a gift from her father’s Indian heritage. I have spent a lot of time looking into her eyes not only hoping to find understanding and compassion for how she is feeling in that moment, but also to validate and acknowledge her worth. She is a very loquacious three-year old now, but especially in her early days before she could speak from her heart, I wanted to understand her on a deep level. I found her eyes to be a window into her soul.

Children rely on their vision to help them learn and understand the world and their place in it. They are developing their own sense of self-worth as they witness how other people interact with them. They are looking out into the world and trying to make sense of life’s energy that surround them.

Starting at around her first birthday, I have encouraged my daughter to make eye contact with those to whom she is speaking or listening. My dear friend Ruth, modeled the importance of eye contact as a parenting practice years before I became a mother. Ruth and Zvika lived with their two little boys (age three and age five) in the apartment below me while I was working in Silicon Valley. In our first meeting, Ruth expected her boys to look me in the eye and greet me. Not just glancing in the general direction, but she calmly waited until the boys made eye contact with me. As the recipient of that loving act, I found that my natural connection and warmth to the boys was expanded. I felt like I was being invited to interact directly with them, rather than just “pass them by” to engage with their mother. I can only assume that the intentional gaze was more meaningful to them as children as well – to have their worth as individuals be validated by an adult.

I have several parenting practices that are encouraging not only for me to truly see my daughters, but also for them to really connect with others through their gaze. Here are some example situations in which I am purposeful about making eye contact with my children:

• If my daughter asks me a question while I am working on my computer or smart phone, I try to always look directly at her, stop working (including lifting my hands from the keyboard) and even shift my chest toward her body, to show her that I am interested in what she has to say and that she is important to me.
• I expect my daughters to make eye contact with others (adults and children) when speaking with them. I am particularly aware when they are meeting a new person, or greeting someone they already know.
• When ordering food in a restaurant, I will ask the girls to look the waitress in the eyes if they do not do so on their own accord.
• When discussing plans for the afternoon or setting expectations with my children, I will try to make sure to have eye contact with them to increase the likelihood that they are hearing what I’m saying.
• When talking through a time-out, or otherwise re-directing my daughter’s behavior, I insist that she maintains eye contact with me.
• When I am saying sorry or the girls are saying sorry, I will ask them to repeat the apology until they have maintained eye contact throughout the conversation.

Some days I feel that my parenting can be a series of “prompts” that are lovingly guiding my daughters in the world – helping to give them ideas of what to say or how to act when interacting with other children and adults. (This is markedly different from my approach during play in which I encourage creativity and expression.) Part of our role as parents is helping to teach our children appropriate ways to interact socially. It is naive to think that the way we present ourselves to others does not influence their perceptions of our potential. Children are learning and growing in so many areas of their lives. I place high importance on them learning the relationship skills to treat others with grace and respect.

I  have chosen to model positive eye contact with my girls from a very young age. I desire intimate, emotionally fulfilling relationships for my daughters with their friends, their family, their community and some day their future partners. An important part of building connection with others is inviting them to see through the window of their soul.