My three-year old daughter came out of her room at 9:05am this morning. I know, you must be thinking “Was something wrong?” Sure, this was later than normal, but not unusual. You see, I believe in giving me daughter space and time to be alone.

I dropped what I was doing and went to the stairs. As I opened my arms to warmly embrace her, she excitedly started telling me about a book she was reading. (Dooby Dooby Moo – she had just heard Click Clack Moo at library story hour the day before.) She had been awake for about an hour. Through the monitor that broadcasts her bedroom’s soundtrack into my bedroom and kitchen, I could hear her singing to herself, reading aloud and talking to her stuffed friends Ariel, Abby Cadabby and Olaf. I was able to enjoy some coffee and time to myself. And frankly, she was quite happy.

Maybe you expected this type of a relationship to develop in your children’s teenage years, but I have found that children are able to appreciate time alone from infancy. I remember shortly after we brought her home from the hospital, she woke up from a nap and was content lying in her crib. At that moment, the choice was first presented to me: Was I going to be a parent who is always trying to entertain their child? Or was I going to be a parent who respects my child’s needs for both interaction and independence? I decided to not pick her up until she showed signs of wanting interaction.

Children need time to be alone – to explore the world around them, experiment on their own, learn through repetition and develop a comfort with being by themselves. It is okay for our children to struggle to figure out how the pieces fit together in a new puzzle or how to balance blocks to build a tower. Self-esteem develops as children learn that they can rely on themselves. Isn’t that what parenthood is all about? Teaching our children how to take care of themselves, love from their heart ad soul, live joyfully and contribute to the world.

Here are some ways in which I give my children space:

• If they are happy and content (whether reading, playing, sitting silently)- I don’t interrupt them!
• While driving in the car with one daughter, I will often ask: “Would you like to talk with Mommy, read a book or sit silently?”
• I encourage the girls to pick out some books and to join me on the couch – we each enjoy our books quietly and independently.
• I suggest quiet time or alone time in the afternoon.

Now, don’t be alarmed – you may start missing your child! I have an audio recording that lasts one hour and fifteen minutes of my youngest daughter just playing in her crib as a nine-month old. I desperately wanted a hold her and cuddle her, but resisted until she was ready. A much more meaningful reunion occurred when we were both ready to engage.

A few weeks ago, my three-year old joined me in the spa’s massage room to read books in a chair while I had a full body massage. I know, not something that many mothers would think of doing – and perhaps it sounds a little self-indulgent. It was thirty minutes into the massage before she asked me a question about her book and became interested in the massage. She has asked me several times since then “When are we going to get a massage again?” The soft, relaxing music and solitude must have been a welcome, serene moment in her day.

For older children (and adults), learning how to be alone (and sometimes lonely) is an important life lesson. After all, how can we expect someone else to enjoy our company if we can’t enjoy being alone with ourselves? This is one time to not treat your child with “kid gloves”. They can handle being alone, if you just give them the chance.