I’m sure that you’ve had that moment when you’re trying to rush out the door already late and your child turns to you and says “I want to take my Elsa doll.” The pressure of timing is weighing on one side of you and yet your little one has just made a simple request. It very well could have been the words “I want to put my shoe on myself” or “I’m not done playing with my blocks” that were coming out of their mouth. The words that always ring in my ears are “Is it reasonable?”

If I say that I want my children to become strong and independent, then I need to build their confidence and self-worth in the small moments throughout our day. It is in those moments in which I can honor their request – their voice – that I am showing them that their opinion and preferences matter to me. I want them to feel comfortable speaking their mind and knowing that I care and that I’ll listen. It is my hope that validating their independence in these small moments will give them the courage to come to me as they grow older and life becomes more challenging.

The opportunity to grant the girls their independence might come in the form of a mismatched outfit when they’re getting ready to play outside in the yard. Or the request to read the same book for the fifth night in a row. Or the request to buy bananas at the grocery store. Or the request to go down the slide one more time before leaving the park.

This is not to be confused with me being a pushover as a parent. After I ask myself “Is it reasonable?”, I often consider if I have set their expectations appropriately for that moment. If I have not told them that we’ll be leaving the park in five minutes and just announce “Let’s go now,” then I might be far more inclined to grant them the last ride down the slide. It is both giving them a sense of control in their life, validating their opinions and preferences and building goodwill in our parent-child relationship.

I do my best to set expectations appropriately with them – and then hold strong once that expectation has been set. But, whenever possible, I want to be able to say “Yes” to the girls. It brings them joy to know that they are empowered in our life as a family. It is helping to teach them how to voice their opinion and make choices. It is building their self-confidence knowing that I trust them.

For me, it gives me comfort in the moments in which I need to stand firm to my word. I know that I am not just saying “No” for the sake of it or for the inconvenience that it might cause me. I know that I’ve given them an appropriate level of independence and choice for their age. Reserving “No” for the most important moments reinforces my authority to my children because they understand that they don’t need to test it. They understand that I’m serious.

Honoring my children’s requests has brought so much joy in unexpected moments. A request to run back into the house before we leave has produced a big smile as she proudly held a picture she had colored for Gramma & Grandpa. Allowing a repetitious song to continue longer on a car ride has resulted in joyful laughter about a creative new lyric. Seeing the girls become more comfortable in sharing their inner voice encourages me to know that we’re on the right track as parents.